Self Imprisionment

a self created prison holds me here
shackles about my ankles, bruises about my wrists
pain and wallowing restraining self preservation
relentless words, emotional turmoil
guilt, self-loathing, and self-inflicted pain
all stopped from reach for the keys aside my leg
no gatekeeper stands in my way except my mind
heart brutally beaten and destroyed
pieces scattered about the ground
not of heart and soul but will to live

you look into my eyes and see nothing
emptiness , blank, soul less
as pain floods by body
feeling lifeless yet screaming for help
a hand reaches for mine
sitting motionless, mind urging movement
body stationary against will
continuing this prison i call my own

awaiting the strength to stand
searching for the inner energy
looking for the will to live
fighting to stay alive
yearning for a release
begging for ....

these shackles ...
imaginary objects placed by mindset
trapped about a make believe prison
lost within a self created darkness
wandering about a world of tortured souls
hoping to escape this place
this place I've called home for too long.

Relationships

How can someone say that a relationship was solely created and maintained by them. They that created the memories, they created relationship. How can someone create these things? Those aren't things that are created individually they are made, lived, and shared together. I guess this is entwined with the previous ideals of memories. I guess if one doesn't physically pay for memories then I guess they do not exist. Things that aren't paid for don't exist. I guess that means my whole world is an imaginary one. It seems I should have created a better imaginary world as I thought the imagination was one of dreams and happiness not turmoil and fuel being poured on the flames of self torture.

I'm learning the new perspectives of people in the world. I guess my definition of a relationship has been incorrect this whole time. I guess I need someone to tell me the definition of a relationship and provide with me what creates one, what maintains one, and how things are defined of who does what.

Creation of relationship. Creation of memories. Creation of life. Creation of Belief. I guess I always thought these went past materialistic objects. I guess I was wrong. The world is all about what you have and gave in the form of objects, and when it comes down to it, that is what we shall all be judged by it life.

Life is what we have to show from our experience not what we feel, believe, or want.

Memories

Memories are simply that. Parts of the brain that are dedicated to remembering a series of events that happened in life, yet they cannot recreate the feelings that were felt. Most of us keep materialistic objects to hep us remember where we've been, and the different roads that have been traveled throughout the years. I'm learning that the materialistic items aren't necessary as looking about myself at this instance shows me that I have nothing from my travels in the thing called life. Yet all the pains, joys, and adventures are clear and vivid within my mind. I guess the thing I do not understand is why do the people we shared them with feel the need to take all the objects. Can they not remember the events as well as I?

Everyday is a challenge. It is an experience every second as we make choices in our life. We choose to get out of bed, we choose to leave our place of residence, and with each and every one of these simple choices a chain reaction takes place. These choices I know seem simple to most, but there are those of us that at times even the simplest of choices are a challenge. For every action there is a reaction, and this applies to emotions and words. Every spoken or written word creates a reaction in the brain, the heart, and even some reach your soul. I never found the importance of the written and verbal as they both seemed to be simple regeritation of things already with my head and soul, and never came out clearly. Same goes for those memories. Ever noticed how certain ones get misplaced at certain times? The good, the bad and the ugly seem to only be recallable when it fits the other reactions of that day and those prior. I am choosing to remember the good times, the bad times, and the ones that have changed who I am. I used to think that these memories were the only things that shaped my life and led me to where I am at this instant. However, now I am trying to take those memories and incorporate them into the reality in which I wish to have, to create my own memories and my own dreams to make them one coherent piece that will help aid in the creation of a life that was not created by solely the people and experiences in my life but also by me.

Memories are the key to figuring out the past, the things we dream for in the future, and the things that we remember each and every day.

Travels

I've visited the deepest and darkest place in my tortured soul. A place of fear, relentless self destruction, and worthlessness. I'm searching through the depths of pain, shedding emotionless tears. A journey often referred to as self discovery, a epic saga that changes daily, and is the path that leads to not what I see each day in the mirror but to the person I am.

This is a time in which can be rejoiced as each painful and heart breaking moment is a step in the direction of a light being shown through the darkened skies. The only difference in this seemingly pointless journey is that the flashlight is no longer held by a faceless stranger but by my own hand. Visions and nightmares through my on eyes, looking at my soul, damaged, beaten, and bruised yet still my own. The challenge is reminding myself that while at first glance it feels and appears lifeless, that it has simply been awaiting its opportunity to flourish and accept life as a gift instead of a prison sentence.

It is time for life to not be so hard. I only have one and therefore, I intend to live this one to the fullest.