Bottom of the Barrel

People always say how do you know when you are at the bottom of the barrel. How do you know things are truly pushing the realm of continuing to be enough to give you a reason to stay and live life. Well, today I decided to pawn the most prized possession that I had ever had in my life, the ring for her. I was willing to sacrifice a $500 ring that had meant the world to me, for $20 just so I felt I had some sort of self worth. To be able to hold the $20 and feel like it was mine. What do I want to do with it? Well, I bought a pack of smokes, as that is one thing I figured would make me somewhat happy, and the rest I want to drink away, but I won't. Why? Because then it would have been for nothing other than a temporary high and I'd be back to where I am. Wouldn't it be nice though to just drink it away. To have that few moments of happiness.

All this makes me think of how easy it would be if no one cared. If no one cared about me my choices would be different. Unfortunately, despite it all you have to take into account the ripple effect of what suicidal actions can do to those after you have gone. Not that it is really an option for me because people do care for me. Also, the untimely death of my brother kind of eliminated the opportunity as now I am the only sibling. I do know now that they can handle the death of a child, and sadly, it is twisted, but if he was here, it would honestly be something I would contemplate, knowing what I know now.

It is the actions today, and the thoughts that consistently rattle about in my mind that let me know what the bottom of the barrel is. It is a place that words cannot touch. A place that no matter hard you try to convey your thoughts, no one understands unless they are there. It is that one thing that really only you live with and the rest of the world has no clue. It is a secret not because you choose to make it one, but simply because it cannot be explained.